SYL - Week 17

I'm sneaking in at the tail end of this week. I haven't been myself and I wasn't sure I was even going to get this post written in time but tonight (well technically this morning, it's 2am!), I am going to give it a shot. I suspect it will be a rambling mess but I'm sure it will be good for me.




I am really struggling this week. My depression and anxiety are back at near full force. I am almost house bound because of it and I am scared. I know that I am standing on the edge at the moment. I have a decision to make. To step forward, confront my fears, prove to myself that the effort to breathe, eat, sleep, is worth it. Or to step backwards and let the dark embrace me again.


This is a decision that needs to be looked in to deeply. I need to take my time and weigh up the pros and cons. I think. Maybe it's as clear cut as it seems. As if I would step backwards, make the fight harder, let the demon win. As if there is any chance but to pick myself up and continue the fight, for my husband, for my children, for my 2 best friends. But I do have a choice, I do have a decision to make. At the moment I can't make it so I'm just staying here on the edge. Either step seems to be too much effort right now.


Decision making comes easy to me at times. I know that the less impact the result has, the less time I will worry about it. When I do the shopping, I go by price first. The biggest issue is money so the decision is made by that mark. When I dress the kids, the biggest issue is their comfort so I dress them to suit the weather or the activity. Easy done.


The process gets a lot harder when the path I choose will take me towards something that will make me anxious. I hate to leave the house, I avoid it where I can at the moment. My eldest son needs a new pair of school shoes. To get them, I need to take him to the shops. I can't do it, the anxiety is too much. He has a pair of runners so has been wearing them to school even though he isn't supposed to. This has put off the need to make the decision to go to the shops and buy him new shoes. If I had done it a week ago, I wouldn't still be anxious about it. It would be done and I would have moved on but instead, I am sitting here still worrying. Knowing that tomorrow is Sunday and it's the day I am going to have to buy him new shoes. The mole hill has turned in to a mountain. Why? Because I didn't make the quick decision that was called for last week.

Source

I have learned that I need to categorise the decisions to be made. Spend time considering all the information for the important ones and just make the less important ones. I am making life so much harder for myself by hanging on to issues and problems that are not worthy of my time and energy. The school shoes should be bought because they HAVE to be. There done. Tomorrow we are going shoe shopping. There is no danger at the shops, no giant monster waiting to eat me. No one cares that I am there or what I am wearing just like I don't care about them. I can do this. I think.

I wish I didn't have such bad paranoia. It is always my undoing. I over think, over analyse, then just plain make stuff up in my head. It is so tiring and so destructive.  The sign post in the picture above sums up my head perfectly. There is so much in there, so many things pointing in different directions and I get confused. This week I am lost, confused, bewildered and unsure. I need to stop again, rest and recuperate. Start again early next week with a plan, a list and a goal. I already miss the happy, confident me I was starting to see in my posts.

I have just realised something. I knew this post had to be written tonight. It has worked.

My decision is already made. I will take a step forward. If I really wanted to take a step back then I would have already done it. Now to sleep and muster up some energy to fight the demon even harder tomorrow.

Jo xo