SYL - Week 12

Dealing with change

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Change is something that I look forward to, often strive for, but it is also something that I fear. It is the great unknown isn't it? The change we imagine can be amazing, bright, easy and comfortable. The problem is, we need to set the wheels in motion and be able to deal with everything else that comes along for the ride. The possibility of losing friends if you change the way you act, think or speak (truth be known, you're better off without these people if they don't accept the new you). The chance that things will go wrong and you'll end up back where you were, or worse, further back than that. The chance that you might make it to the end and not actually like the changes. I believe that change is a gamble. You can hedge your bets or stack the deck in your favour but there is still a chance that you won't get everything you bargained for.

This is what holds me back at times. I've been wanting to work on my relationship with hubby. What if we spend more time together, get to know each other again and then find out that we don't like each other? I know it's a long shot but what if our relationship is suffering because we have honestly outgrown each other. These kind of thoughts fill my heart, make my heart race and my breaths shallow. Once upon a time I would have let them overwhelm me. I would have ended up in a full blown panic attack and then avoided working towards that change at all costs, just in case the panic came back the next time I thought about it.

I have come so far this year. 12 weeks of looking inside me, finding out who I am and what I want. I know that SYL is for me because I seem to be ready for every new challenge as it gets posted on a Monday morning. I have already started making little changes and just thinking about the bigger ones. Trying to prepare myself and my family for what is to come. Then I see that this week's challenge is all about change and figuring out what is stopping us.

Fear is stopping me. Plain and simple. I have enormous self doubt, I am working on it and I can see definite improvements but I have a long way to go. I often think I'm not good enough, not worthy, too lazy, too unlucky, etc to end up with the things I strive for. I have the most gorgeous little cheer squad behind me and they were praising me and my sewing skills just the other week and I believe the comment was along the lines of them loving the items I create, now they just need to get me to believe it. I'm getting there. Pride is a very strange, new feeling to me. It feels good but it's so new that it can be a little scary.

The one thing that is helping me towards making the changes that I need is positive thinking. Deb, at SYL, is helping so much. I usually check Facebook in the mornings and to be able to read small positive quotes and comments really helps me to start my day in a positive head space. I've learned to take a deep breath and shake the negative thoughts out, replace them with positive ones. My favourite question for myself at the moment is "Why not?"

Why can't I do anything I put my mind to? Why not strive for something I've always wanted? Why not try to make my life easier and simpler? There is no answer to any of these questions. Not one reason why not. So I need to move past the fear and anxiety and just try. Set myself achievable goals and reward myself when I get to them. If I have a slip up, take a deep breath, learn from it and keep moving forward. Nothing is worth making yourself go all the way back to the start.

This is what I have learned in the last 12 weeks. I know what I want and I am teaching myself that I can have it. One of the biggest changes in me so far is the fact that I am including my family in my activities, even just the house work. The older kids need to learn these skills and the younger ones love to help when they can. I don't need to get stressed and overwhelmed. I have lots of hands to help me as long as I can relax and ignore the half wet coffee cups in the cupboard! At least the dishes are done right? :)

I can finally see our future. It is simple, uncluttered and happy. We talk to each other instead of at each other. We want to spend time together, we actually choose each others company over technology and we are happy. This is all achievable and I am now finding out the best way to get there.

SYL - Week 11

Kindness and Gratitude (gratitude is a very strange looking word! Just thought I would put that out there!), are two words that I have been thinking about a lot this week.

It's safe to say, I've had a week from hell. The whole family came down with gastro, I travelled 4 hours from home, to sell some of my handmade items at a market stall, only to come down with gastro myself and had to get my sister to run the stall for me while I slept it off. Home again yesterday and up at 4am this morning to sick kids. Now have a wide awake baby playing beside me while I catch up on some blogging, waiting for the sun to come up.

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You know what though? I am grateful for it all (well perhaps not the gastro bit).  I have kids to get sick, I have a sister to help me out, I have a hubby to look after the kids while I go away following the first part of one of my dreams, I have another sister home to help out with the kids as well. I know lots of people that don't have that much and I am grateful that I do.

When it comes to kindness, I believe I have always had that. I grew up in a small country town and I was bought up to smile and say hello as you passed someone, even if you didn't know who they were. I constantly let people in in traffic, much to the dismay of the people behind me! I hold doors open for people and I help anyone who I think needs it.

The thing that has stood out to me this week is that I haven't even thought much about these acts of kindness. I just assumed that everyone did them. They had just become part of me and something that I did until I started to take notice of them and the fact that most other people didn't do them. 

Perfect example, I had 3 of my kids with me at the supermarket one day. Toddler walking with one of the big kids, baby in the pram, giant box of groceries balanced somewhere on top. Big kid managed to get a free butterscotch from the check out operator and gave it to the toddler. Of course I was busy and thought nothing of it...... until the toddler swallowed it whole and was choking on it!! I was in the middle of a bus stop, big kid holding the pram, box of groceries on the ground and toddler held almost fully upside down, being whacked on the back. How many people do you think helped me or even asked if we were ok?...... That's right, none. I was astounded. If I was a bystander, there is no way that I could have stood by and watch that and not offer assistance. Even if it was to hold the groceries!!!

This is when I get disheartened with the world. I now realise that I have 2 choices. I can get angry and resentful and start to treat the world the way they treat me, or I can walk away and hold my head high, knowing that I am a kind person and for that I am Grateful.

*forgot to add, toddler was fine once the butterscotch was dislodged from halfway down his oesophagus! We picked up the box of groceries and were on our merry way again.

SYL - Week 10

Face your fears


Fear is something that affects me daily. It always has. I'm a very nervous and anxious person by nature. Or is that by nurture? My Mum is exactly the same and, in a way, bought us up to be just like her. Not purposefully, she just didn't teach us differently.


I have 3 major fears. The ones that have the greatest impact on my life. I want to talk about all three whilst trying not to write an enormous post AGAIN this week! I write as much as I talk, heaps!! haha

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The dark. My arch nemesis. I have been afraid of it for as long as I can remember. Lots of nights, laying in bed listening to the songs on the old radiogram (I'm actually not that old, it was hanging around forever!!) and opening my eyes every now and again, making sure the light was still shining from it. I shared a room with my sister, she would wait until I was asleep to turn it off so she could sleep. I couldn't sleep without the noise and the light.

Even now I sleep with the light on in the hallway. If I'm having a really tough time, I sleep with the bedroom light on. 

Ways to overcome/confront this fear would be to turn the light off. Not going to happen, well at least that's not the first step. I think a good step would be hubby turning the hallway light off when he gets home from work at about 1am. So I am asleep but can wake up in the dark. I doubt that would worry me as much because I could just close my eyes, it's dark in there anyway! That seems do-able! On to fear number 2.....

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Being alone. I don't mean being in the house by myself, even though that used to be a fear of mine, I mean not being loved. Yep that is it in a nutshell. I need to be loved, I need to constantly know that I am loved. Mostly by my Mum and my Hubby.

I adore my Mum. Apart from Hubby and the kids, she is the person I feel the most protective of, love the most, think about the most. As we get older, she gets more fragile in my eyes and it scares me. This Christmas just gone, we said a last goodbye to her own Mum. Such a sad time. I would give anything to never have to say goodbye to my Mum. I live 3 hours from her and that is hard enough.

When I was a kid, I was left alone in hospital a lot. I had brothers and sisters that my Mum had to look after so she couldn't stay with me. I remember crying for her as she left, watching her walk away, crying for her at night and watching all the cars drive past the window from the minute the sun came up until she arrived. Often late in the day. It broke my heart and it still puts a lump in my throat. She couldn't help it and I know it hurt her too. I know this is where my fear of abandonment comes from. This fear now carries over and brings fears and anxieties about Hubby or my friends not loving me or leaving me.

Now how do I deal with this one. It has me anxious just thinking about it. I think I just need to keep remembering how strong I am. My Mum is so proud of me for that, it is something she tells people and reminds me of often. She has trouble talking about feelings but I know she loves me and is proud of me. I need to remember that I am loved by lots of people, I need to see it in their actions, not just try to find it in their words. If I can do this then I will never be alone. Fear number 3, look out, I'm coming for you......

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Hurting People. Not physically, I'm a 5'2" weakling!, but emotionally hurting people. Letting them down, disappointing them. I often say or do the wrong thing. Whether it's from not thinking things through or just plain thinking I was right at the time. Sometimes I am right but I still hurt someone's feelings. This breaks me. I hate it. I do a lot to avoid it because I have a true fear of it. 

I love being helpful. I will always do something for nothing, it's just the way I am. I'm one of those people who say hello to strangers as we pass on the footpath, help elderly people with their trolley in the car park (more about this in my next post). So for me to deal with the fact that my words or actions have caused someone pain or sadness is really hard to deal with. I endure countless events, conversations, etc, just to avoid disappointing someone.

The biggest problem here is that I take on other people's emotions and problems. Obviously if I am just a bitch and someone gets hurt, that is my fault but that rarely happens. If I act like anyone else would, if I be honest because it's the right thing to do even though I know the other person won't like it, I can't hold myself responsible for the way that they feel afterwards. I can try and help them feel better but I can't let it take me down.

I have started working on conquering this fear as well. I would like to retain a little of it because I believe that not hurting others is important and I never want to be the kind of people who never thinks of others before herself, I just need to find a balance. Right now, my fear of hurting others means that I suffer most of the time, I want to make that just a tiny bit of the time.

I have managed to be honest with people and the ones that are left at my side are the ones who know the real me and understand that I need to put myself first sometimes. I have come a long way but I need to keep it up or I will slide down that very slippery slope again. My plan is to keep working on this, keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for every reaction and emotion that people have. They need to take some ownership of it and realise that they are hurting themselves. I will try and think before I speak or type so there is less chance of me hurting someone unintentionally. That can be controlled in a way and if I know I am thinking first then I won't have to be so scared about what might happen after a conversation, I should already know that I am doing my best to be nice.

Well it's 11.30pm and hubby will be home soon so I better get to bed and pretend I've been in bed for hours and caught up on some sleep like I was supposed to do tonight! :p

I'm loving blogging and SYL. I look forward to reading all the linked up blogs each week and the comments on my blogs make me feel amazing. Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment xo

SYL - Week 9

Go easy on yourself

simple right? wrong. I've hit rock bottom this week, well not rock bottom, I've been there before and this is still a way from it, thank goodness. I am low, I am exhausted and I am having trouble picking myself up again. I haven't been this low for months and it has really stopped me in my tracks. Depression really is a long, hard battle that can flare up at any time.

I have written most of this blog post before, then deleted it because it really made no sense and not only was it off track but it didn't even seem to know that a track existed. Tonight I've read lots of blogs that have been linked up for Week 9 and I loved them all, everyone seems so positive, even if they struggled with it at first. The posts have at least given me the incentive to try again. I will not let this fog keep me from completing a week!! I will do this, it just may be a little disjointed, sad or dark. Maybe I should apologise in advance, maybe I should just type.

I've always thought I was a bad person, bad inside. I've thought that since I was very young. I must be a bad person, that's why bad things happen. I didn't stop believing this until last year, at times it still creeps back, like now, but most of the time I know that I am not a bad person. Yep this is hard to write still but tonight I will publish whatever ends up on this page. 

I tried to find myself a mantra this week. It was really difficult. I used to have one. 

"Life sucks, it always has, it always will, get used to it"

Hmmm, this screams of teenage angst to me but it stayed with me well in to adulthood and I truly, honestly believed it. I mean, it was true. One bad thing after another, one stupid decision after another, life went on, nothing ever changed. Some people chose to dwell on everything and complain constantly. Not me, I was of the opinion that shit happened, you had to just move on. Luckily, I now know that life doesn't actually suck. Some things suck and you move on but lots of good things happen in between. Since I figured this out, a lot more good things have started to happen because I welcome them in to my life and I make less bad decisions.

Then I found a better mantra.....

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This is what I need to keep saying to myself. I can get out of bed and I will. I can walk outside the front door and I will. I can go to the supermarket and I will. I can talk to people on the phone and I will. I can go to bed and sleep in the dark and I will. Ok that one might have to wait until next week, but I will get there again (and also talk more about this in the next blog about fears!).

Now on to what I need to let go of, how I can go easy on myself. This is most applicable to me if I totally turn it on it's head. I need to go easier on everyone else to make life easier for me. I need to stop expecting that everyone will do things the same way I do them, will do as many things as I manage to do in a day. It's very very difficult for me to do. I honestly believe that I do things better, faster, easier than anyone else. Most of the time I find myself saying "can you get me the.... oh don't worry I'll do it" because I know that by the time I finish the sentence, I'll already have whatever it is in my hand. The inability to let other people do things is half the reason I am so exhausted. I am a Mum of 4. 2 kids are at school, one primary, one secondary. 2 kids are at home. Hubby works evening shift and leaves at school finish time so when he goes to work, I pick up the 2 older kids and my day seems to start all over again. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I know what I have to do. I need to get a roster going, give everyone a job to do. Even just one each to start with. I need to make sure they do it, I'm not allowed to. I don't need to do everything, it doesn't matter if the dishes are washed slowly and not put away in the right place (ok I'll admit I can't be in the room while it's being done and I will probably straighten the plate stacks when I am getting plates out for dinner but that will be ok for now). 

I have a massive problem with trying to find a balance between my ego and my energy. My ego has had a massive boost lately and I now believe I am good and actually better than most people. I need to wind this back, it's not helping me. I am not superior than most people, some yes, most no. I need to remember that other people can help me to give me a break. It doesn't matter if the job isn't done the way I do it.

I feel I'm running way off track again but that is my brain lately. I've learned to let it roam a little and then bring it back.

The other thing I need to work on is focussing on what I have achieved every day and not what I didn't find time to do. I can sit at the end of the night and look at the messy lounge room and the pile of fabric I got out hours ago to cut patterns from and chastise myself for getting NOTHING done. I haven't done nothing. I have hung a load of cloth nappies on the line, washed and hung a second load of washing. Bought both of those loads in off the line, washed a load of towels ready to hang out tomorrow. Ordered medication for my daughter and remembered to invite my Mum and Dad to dinner on Thursday night. Looked after four kids, even managed to play with them. Give the two littlies and hubby a hair cut. Been to the supermarket, cooked dinner and did the dishes. Put all four kids to bed and wrote a blog post.

How could I ever see that as nothing? Easy, I didn't bother to even think about it. All I could see was the jobs left over at the end of the day. I don't know as many people who work as hard as I do at home but I still call myself lazy and think I don't do enough. Why? Are my kids fed, bathed, happy, healthy? Yes. Is my hubby happy, fed (he can bathe himself!), healthy? Yes. Then what is my problem? I honestly think I've just thought like that for so long that I didn't even realise it was a problem. Now I do and it's time to work on it.

This will be a tricky one but I'm going to let myself off the hook this week. If I want to spend a day on the couch in my pj's then, damn it, I will!!

(if you made it all the way through that novel sized post then I thank you for reading!!) xo