SYL - Week 12

Dealing with change

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Change is something that I look forward to, often strive for, but it is also something that I fear. It is the great unknown isn't it? The change we imagine can be amazing, bright, easy and comfortable. The problem is, we need to set the wheels in motion and be able to deal with everything else that comes along for the ride. The possibility of losing friends if you change the way you act, think or speak (truth be known, you're better off without these people if they don't accept the new you). The chance that things will go wrong and you'll end up back where you were, or worse, further back than that. The chance that you might make it to the end and not actually like the changes. I believe that change is a gamble. You can hedge your bets or stack the deck in your favour but there is still a chance that you won't get everything you bargained for.

This is what holds me back at times. I've been wanting to work on my relationship with hubby. What if we spend more time together, get to know each other again and then find out that we don't like each other? I know it's a long shot but what if our relationship is suffering because we have honestly outgrown each other. These kind of thoughts fill my heart, make my heart race and my breaths shallow. Once upon a time I would have let them overwhelm me. I would have ended up in a full blown panic attack and then avoided working towards that change at all costs, just in case the panic came back the next time I thought about it.

I have come so far this year. 12 weeks of looking inside me, finding out who I am and what I want. I know that SYL is for me because I seem to be ready for every new challenge as it gets posted on a Monday morning. I have already started making little changes and just thinking about the bigger ones. Trying to prepare myself and my family for what is to come. Then I see that this week's challenge is all about change and figuring out what is stopping us.

Fear is stopping me. Plain and simple. I have enormous self doubt, I am working on it and I can see definite improvements but I have a long way to go. I often think I'm not good enough, not worthy, too lazy, too unlucky, etc to end up with the things I strive for. I have the most gorgeous little cheer squad behind me and they were praising me and my sewing skills just the other week and I believe the comment was along the lines of them loving the items I create, now they just need to get me to believe it. I'm getting there. Pride is a very strange, new feeling to me. It feels good but it's so new that it can be a little scary.

The one thing that is helping me towards making the changes that I need is positive thinking. Deb, at SYL, is helping so much. I usually check Facebook in the mornings and to be able to read small positive quotes and comments really helps me to start my day in a positive head space. I've learned to take a deep breath and shake the negative thoughts out, replace them with positive ones. My favourite question for myself at the moment is "Why not?"

Why can't I do anything I put my mind to? Why not strive for something I've always wanted? Why not try to make my life easier and simpler? There is no answer to any of these questions. Not one reason why not. So I need to move past the fear and anxiety and just try. Set myself achievable goals and reward myself when I get to them. If I have a slip up, take a deep breath, learn from it and keep moving forward. Nothing is worth making yourself go all the way back to the start.

This is what I have learned in the last 12 weeks. I know what I want and I am teaching myself that I can have it. One of the biggest changes in me so far is the fact that I am including my family in my activities, even just the house work. The older kids need to learn these skills and the younger ones love to help when they can. I don't need to get stressed and overwhelmed. I have lots of hands to help me as long as I can relax and ignore the half wet coffee cups in the cupboard! At least the dishes are done right? :)

I can finally see our future. It is simple, uncluttered and happy. We talk to each other instead of at each other. We want to spend time together, we actually choose each others company over technology and we are happy. This is all achievable and I am now finding out the best way to get there.