SYL - Week 9

Go easy on yourself

simple right? wrong. I've hit rock bottom this week, well not rock bottom, I've been there before and this is still a way from it, thank goodness. I am low, I am exhausted and I am having trouble picking myself up again. I haven't been this low for months and it has really stopped me in my tracks. Depression really is a long, hard battle that can flare up at any time.

I have written most of this blog post before, then deleted it because it really made no sense and not only was it off track but it didn't even seem to know that a track existed. Tonight I've read lots of blogs that have been linked up for Week 9 and I loved them all, everyone seems so positive, even if they struggled with it at first. The posts have at least given me the incentive to try again. I will not let this fog keep me from completing a week!! I will do this, it just may be a little disjointed, sad or dark. Maybe I should apologise in advance, maybe I should just type.

I've always thought I was a bad person, bad inside. I've thought that since I was very young. I must be a bad person, that's why bad things happen. I didn't stop believing this until last year, at times it still creeps back, like now, but most of the time I know that I am not a bad person. Yep this is hard to write still but tonight I will publish whatever ends up on this page. 

I tried to find myself a mantra this week. It was really difficult. I used to have one. 

"Life sucks, it always has, it always will, get used to it"

Hmmm, this screams of teenage angst to me but it stayed with me well in to adulthood and I truly, honestly believed it. I mean, it was true. One bad thing after another, one stupid decision after another, life went on, nothing ever changed. Some people chose to dwell on everything and complain constantly. Not me, I was of the opinion that shit happened, you had to just move on. Luckily, I now know that life doesn't actually suck. Some things suck and you move on but lots of good things happen in between. Since I figured this out, a lot more good things have started to happen because I welcome them in to my life and I make less bad decisions.

Then I found a better mantra.....

source

This is what I need to keep saying to myself. I can get out of bed and I will. I can walk outside the front door and I will. I can go to the supermarket and I will. I can talk to people on the phone and I will. I can go to bed and sleep in the dark and I will. Ok that one might have to wait until next week, but I will get there again (and also talk more about this in the next blog about fears!).

Now on to what I need to let go of, how I can go easy on myself. This is most applicable to me if I totally turn it on it's head. I need to go easier on everyone else to make life easier for me. I need to stop expecting that everyone will do things the same way I do them, will do as many things as I manage to do in a day. It's very very difficult for me to do. I honestly believe that I do things better, faster, easier than anyone else. Most of the time I find myself saying "can you get me the.... oh don't worry I'll do it" because I know that by the time I finish the sentence, I'll already have whatever it is in my hand. The inability to let other people do things is half the reason I am so exhausted. I am a Mum of 4. 2 kids are at school, one primary, one secondary. 2 kids are at home. Hubby works evening shift and leaves at school finish time so when he goes to work, I pick up the 2 older kids and my day seems to start all over again. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I know what I have to do. I need to get a roster going, give everyone a job to do. Even just one each to start with. I need to make sure they do it, I'm not allowed to. I don't need to do everything, it doesn't matter if the dishes are washed slowly and not put away in the right place (ok I'll admit I can't be in the room while it's being done and I will probably straighten the plate stacks when I am getting plates out for dinner but that will be ok for now). 

I have a massive problem with trying to find a balance between my ego and my energy. My ego has had a massive boost lately and I now believe I am good and actually better than most people. I need to wind this back, it's not helping me. I am not superior than most people, some yes, most no. I need to remember that other people can help me to give me a break. It doesn't matter if the job isn't done the way I do it.

I feel I'm running way off track again but that is my brain lately. I've learned to let it roam a little and then bring it back.

The other thing I need to work on is focussing on what I have achieved every day and not what I didn't find time to do. I can sit at the end of the night and look at the messy lounge room and the pile of fabric I got out hours ago to cut patterns from and chastise myself for getting NOTHING done. I haven't done nothing. I have hung a load of cloth nappies on the line, washed and hung a second load of washing. Bought both of those loads in off the line, washed a load of towels ready to hang out tomorrow. Ordered medication for my daughter and remembered to invite my Mum and Dad to dinner on Thursday night. Looked after four kids, even managed to play with them. Give the two littlies and hubby a hair cut. Been to the supermarket, cooked dinner and did the dishes. Put all four kids to bed and wrote a blog post.

How could I ever see that as nothing? Easy, I didn't bother to even think about it. All I could see was the jobs left over at the end of the day. I don't know as many people who work as hard as I do at home but I still call myself lazy and think I don't do enough. Why? Are my kids fed, bathed, happy, healthy? Yes. Is my hubby happy, fed (he can bathe himself!), healthy? Yes. Then what is my problem? I honestly think I've just thought like that for so long that I didn't even realise it was a problem. Now I do and it's time to work on it.

This will be a tricky one but I'm going to let myself off the hook this week. If I want to spend a day on the couch in my pj's then, damn it, I will!!

(if you made it all the way through that novel sized post then I thank you for reading!!) xo