SYL - Week 10

Face your fears


Fear is something that affects me daily. It always has. I'm a very nervous and anxious person by nature. Or is that by nurture? My Mum is exactly the same and, in a way, bought us up to be just like her. Not purposefully, she just didn't teach us differently.


I have 3 major fears. The ones that have the greatest impact on my life. I want to talk about all three whilst trying not to write an enormous post AGAIN this week! I write as much as I talk, heaps!! haha

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The dark. My arch nemesis. I have been afraid of it for as long as I can remember. Lots of nights, laying in bed listening to the songs on the old radiogram (I'm actually not that old, it was hanging around forever!!) and opening my eyes every now and again, making sure the light was still shining from it. I shared a room with my sister, she would wait until I was asleep to turn it off so she could sleep. I couldn't sleep without the noise and the light.

Even now I sleep with the light on in the hallway. If I'm having a really tough time, I sleep with the bedroom light on. 

Ways to overcome/confront this fear would be to turn the light off. Not going to happen, well at least that's not the first step. I think a good step would be hubby turning the hallway light off when he gets home from work at about 1am. So I am asleep but can wake up in the dark. I doubt that would worry me as much because I could just close my eyes, it's dark in there anyway! That seems do-able! On to fear number 2.....

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Being alone. I don't mean being in the house by myself, even though that used to be a fear of mine, I mean not being loved. Yep that is it in a nutshell. I need to be loved, I need to constantly know that I am loved. Mostly by my Mum and my Hubby.

I adore my Mum. Apart from Hubby and the kids, she is the person I feel the most protective of, love the most, think about the most. As we get older, she gets more fragile in my eyes and it scares me. This Christmas just gone, we said a last goodbye to her own Mum. Such a sad time. I would give anything to never have to say goodbye to my Mum. I live 3 hours from her and that is hard enough.

When I was a kid, I was left alone in hospital a lot. I had brothers and sisters that my Mum had to look after so she couldn't stay with me. I remember crying for her as she left, watching her walk away, crying for her at night and watching all the cars drive past the window from the minute the sun came up until she arrived. Often late in the day. It broke my heart and it still puts a lump in my throat. She couldn't help it and I know it hurt her too. I know this is where my fear of abandonment comes from. This fear now carries over and brings fears and anxieties about Hubby or my friends not loving me or leaving me.

Now how do I deal with this one. It has me anxious just thinking about it. I think I just need to keep remembering how strong I am. My Mum is so proud of me for that, it is something she tells people and reminds me of often. She has trouble talking about feelings but I know she loves me and is proud of me. I need to remember that I am loved by lots of people, I need to see it in their actions, not just try to find it in their words. If I can do this then I will never be alone. Fear number 3, look out, I'm coming for you......

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Hurting People. Not physically, I'm a 5'2" weakling!, but emotionally hurting people. Letting them down, disappointing them. I often say or do the wrong thing. Whether it's from not thinking things through or just plain thinking I was right at the time. Sometimes I am right but I still hurt someone's feelings. This breaks me. I hate it. I do a lot to avoid it because I have a true fear of it. 

I love being helpful. I will always do something for nothing, it's just the way I am. I'm one of those people who say hello to strangers as we pass on the footpath, help elderly people with their trolley in the car park (more about this in my next post). So for me to deal with the fact that my words or actions have caused someone pain or sadness is really hard to deal with. I endure countless events, conversations, etc, just to avoid disappointing someone.

The biggest problem here is that I take on other people's emotions and problems. Obviously if I am just a bitch and someone gets hurt, that is my fault but that rarely happens. If I act like anyone else would, if I be honest because it's the right thing to do even though I know the other person won't like it, I can't hold myself responsible for the way that they feel afterwards. I can try and help them feel better but I can't let it take me down.

I have started working on conquering this fear as well. I would like to retain a little of it because I believe that not hurting others is important and I never want to be the kind of people who never thinks of others before herself, I just need to find a balance. Right now, my fear of hurting others means that I suffer most of the time, I want to make that just a tiny bit of the time.

I have managed to be honest with people and the ones that are left at my side are the ones who know the real me and understand that I need to put myself first sometimes. I have come a long way but I need to keep it up or I will slide down that very slippery slope again. My plan is to keep working on this, keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for every reaction and emotion that people have. They need to take some ownership of it and realise that they are hurting themselves. I will try and think before I speak or type so there is less chance of me hurting someone unintentionally. That can be controlled in a way and if I know I am thinking first then I won't have to be so scared about what might happen after a conversation, I should already know that I am doing my best to be nice.

Well it's 11.30pm and hubby will be home soon so I better get to bed and pretend I've been in bed for hours and caught up on some sleep like I was supposed to do tonight! :p

I'm loving blogging and SYL. I look forward to reading all the linked up blogs each week and the comments on my blogs make me feel amazing. Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment xo